Last night Shan and I drove to AZ. I read her the last part of C is for Corpse by Sue Grafton. As we drove farther and farther away from civiliation, the murder mystery became darker and darker. I was officially freaked out....but it's definitely something I will never forget. We might as well have been in a covered wagon reading by candlelight by the way we were talking about this book.
Ah memories.
June 25, 2007
June 24, 2007
The Rendezvous State
I feel like I've had an idyllic California experience.
Corrie met us at the produce stand at Underwood farms where her mom works when we got here. As we were picking out vegetables to eat in an open air, completely wooden produce stand, I actually felt like I was in a California I had pictured. It was so refreshing to be in the state that I had once considered to be totally fake because it didn't have any buildings that were 60 years old or the fact that I could access Gucci, Starbucks, or water because it was pumped into the desert...but this time I was surrounded by agriculture: lemon trees, orange trees, vineyards.
That same night we went to the beach. I've never been to the beach at night when the moon and stars were reflecting off the waves. We took our sandals off at the edge of the beach and walked through the cold sand to the waterfront. As we stood with our feet in the sand looking at the waves, I realized how awesome it would be to own property on the beach front, even though it would cost several million dollars. Maybe someday in a far off land....
The next day we went to Santa Barbara and went shopping downtown, went to the Santa Barbara Mission and rose garden (gorgeous), and went out on the pier. I took a lot of pictures of the sailboats. It was at this point that I realized that California would seriously hinder my judgement in any romantic endeavour, because the surroundings are so beautiful and amiable.....which means it's perfect for a good thought process in writing form.
Then we went to Corrie's friend's reaffirmation of her baptismal vows. As we prayed for her, I was reminded why we have community--to show that God is real-the cloud of witnesses. That was definitely stressed that night and I felt it through the small community that was around that night, even if it was just to play the Wii and to stand around and talk.
We went to a Jars of Clay concert tonight in a small venue. The sound quality and closeness factor made the whole experience amazing. They played for about two hours and it was a great concert musically. On the way home, we drove past Disney Land as they were shooting off fireworks for their evening parade. We were on the freeway, so we were almost at the same height where the fireworks exploded....it was beautiful.
Through all of this we have been listening to the new Lifehouse CD, which makes it sort of movie soundtrack like as I'm looking at all of my surroundings.
I love being here...we're going to the beach and then heading back to Arizona tomorrow, maybe in hopes of catching a Diamondback game and going to some favorite AZ places. Back to the arid desert after the cool ocean breeze....and then eventually back to humidity.
Corrie met us at the produce stand at Underwood farms where her mom works when we got here. As we were picking out vegetables to eat in an open air, completely wooden produce stand, I actually felt like I was in a California I had pictured. It was so refreshing to be in the state that I had once considered to be totally fake because it didn't have any buildings that were 60 years old or the fact that I could access Gucci, Starbucks, or water because it was pumped into the desert...but this time I was surrounded by agriculture: lemon trees, orange trees, vineyards.
That same night we went to the beach. I've never been to the beach at night when the moon and stars were reflecting off the waves. We took our sandals off at the edge of the beach and walked through the cold sand to the waterfront. As we stood with our feet in the sand looking at the waves, I realized how awesome it would be to own property on the beach front, even though it would cost several million dollars. Maybe someday in a far off land....
The next day we went to Santa Barbara and went shopping downtown, went to the Santa Barbara Mission and rose garden (gorgeous), and went out on the pier. I took a lot of pictures of the sailboats. It was at this point that I realized that California would seriously hinder my judgement in any romantic endeavour, because the surroundings are so beautiful and amiable.....which means it's perfect for a good thought process in writing form.
Then we went to Corrie's friend's reaffirmation of her baptismal vows. As we prayed for her, I was reminded why we have community--to show that God is real-the cloud of witnesses. That was definitely stressed that night and I felt it through the small community that was around that night, even if it was just to play the Wii and to stand around and talk.
We went to a Jars of Clay concert tonight in a small venue. The sound quality and closeness factor made the whole experience amazing. They played for about two hours and it was a great concert musically. On the way home, we drove past Disney Land as they were shooting off fireworks for their evening parade. We were on the freeway, so we were almost at the same height where the fireworks exploded....it was beautiful.
Through all of this we have been listening to the new Lifehouse CD, which makes it sort of movie soundtrack like as I'm looking at all of my surroundings.
I love being here...we're going to the beach and then heading back to Arizona tomorrow, maybe in hopes of catching a Diamondback game and going to some favorite AZ places. Back to the arid desert after the cool ocean breeze....and then eventually back to humidity.
June 19, 2007
My High School Library
Today I sifted through my books and gave my 16 and 14 year old cousins these titles:
God’s Words on Life for Teens (verse book)
This is the Air I Breathe by Louie Giglio
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
In the Name of Jesus by Henry Nouwen
Wait for Me by Rebecca St. James
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy
Jesus Freaks by DC Talk
Captivating by Stasi Eldredge
I find solace in the fact that I at least read Oswald Chambers as a teenager, but all the rest of the titles are from a normal evangelical teenager’s library.
It’s funny how much you grow up in a few years. My high school friends and I have since had the conversation about how much we were concerned with God’s will in high school relationships and, rightly so, purity. I look at highschoolers now and the first words that come to mind are “You’re just babies.”—Especially in the area of relationships.
I was more concerned with the practice of things instead of the principle behind them….emotion instead of tradition: the definition of a highschooler. For instance, I swore off dating in high school simply because of the Josh Harris books and the attitude of my friends around me. I worshipped to feel God, not to praise Him as a part of the Body of Christ, as a part of the community.
Even though I was just a baby seeking out God, He used those youth group years just like He did those Sunday School years-to eventually form my heart and mind toward Him through scripture, people, crazy books about dating, and rock star like worship events.
If you would have told me in high school that I would come to love tradition in college, I would not have believed you. I would have never guessed that the baptismal promises the community made for me when I was a baby would come to mean so much to me. The years that I spent loving, hating, and growing up in the Catholic church taught me the rhythm of the liturgy, the importance of the Eucharist, and the faith of my family. The sacraments I have been a part of, like the anointing of the Holy Spirit in confirmation, are really special.
We all have crazy back stories. Now I feel all grown up reading things like Lauren F. Winner.
God’s Words on Life for Teens (verse book)
This is the Air I Breathe by Louie Giglio
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
In the Name of Jesus by Henry Nouwen
Wait for Me by Rebecca St. James
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris
When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
When Dreams Come True by Eric and Leslie Ludy
Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy
Jesus Freaks by DC Talk
Captivating by Stasi Eldredge
I find solace in the fact that I at least read Oswald Chambers as a teenager, but all the rest of the titles are from a normal evangelical teenager’s library.
It’s funny how much you grow up in a few years. My high school friends and I have since had the conversation about how much we were concerned with God’s will in high school relationships and, rightly so, purity. I look at highschoolers now and the first words that come to mind are “You’re just babies.”—Especially in the area of relationships.
I was more concerned with the practice of things instead of the principle behind them….emotion instead of tradition: the definition of a highschooler. For instance, I swore off dating in high school simply because of the Josh Harris books and the attitude of my friends around me. I worshipped to feel God, not to praise Him as a part of the Body of Christ, as a part of the community.
Even though I was just a baby seeking out God, He used those youth group years just like He did those Sunday School years-to eventually form my heart and mind toward Him through scripture, people, crazy books about dating, and rock star like worship events.
If you would have told me in high school that I would come to love tradition in college, I would not have believed you. I would have never guessed that the baptismal promises the community made for me when I was a baby would come to mean so much to me. The years that I spent loving, hating, and growing up in the Catholic church taught me the rhythm of the liturgy, the importance of the Eucharist, and the faith of my family. The sacraments I have been a part of, like the anointing of the Holy Spirit in confirmation, are really special.
We all have crazy back stories. Now I feel all grown up reading things like Lauren F. Winner.
June 18, 2007
To Quote The Princess Bride: Maaaawwwiiiidge!
Standing next to Missy and Matt as they said their vows was one of the most special things I’ve done in this new adult life of mine. As I watched them promise to serve each other and put Christ at the center of their marriage, I couldn’t help but think about the promises we/the community makes for us at baptism. And it’s so fitting that baptism and marriage are communal events. We make promises even though we have no idea what the life ahead entails, but we can trust in God’s grace and the community to help us with those promises. It’s also powerful because we are acknowledging the fact that there will be days when we don’t feel like serving God or serving our spouse, but the community and God’s grace will be there. It's the whole idea of words and actions meaning more than feelings.
I’m thinking about ordering a picture of some part of the wedding and putting it up on my wall as sort of a start to a collection: the weddings that I’ve been a part of; remembering to be a community member to those that I’ve stood with as they promised their lives to each other. It makes me think ahead to those that I will inevitably be a part of in the future.
It’s safe to say that my love and hope for community was renewed.
I caught the bouquet….yeah, that’s right!
I’m thinking about ordering a picture of some part of the wedding and putting it up on my wall as sort of a start to a collection: the weddings that I’ve been a part of; remembering to be a community member to those that I’ve stood with as they promised their lives to each other. It makes me think ahead to those that I will inevitably be a part of in the future.
It’s safe to say that my love and hope for community was renewed.
I caught the bouquet….yeah, that’s right!
June 14, 2007
No More Octobers
Our first lady of Greenville College passed away last night. Like most students, I didn't have a lot of interaction with her personally-we all just knew her as the beautiful lady with great spiky hair that lived in the big white house at the end of campus. It was just this beauty that got me the closest to Ellen Mannoia-for Valentines Day the Papyrus did a section on The Fifteen Most Beautiful People of GC. I met with the President, told him my idea, and before I even got to express why I was there, he said, "And you want to feature Ellen, of course." Why yes, I did.
Being a student at GC for the last three years meant that Ellen updates had become a part of life. For a while she'd be doing good and would show up in chapel, or we'd hear about how they were doing on their sabatacle in Italy. She was always at graduation sitting in the exact same chair-I know because I observed her from the band for three years, including this year when she couldn't stand when she was recognized, so we stood for her. They announced that College Avenue-the building that I lived in this past year-was to be renamed after her. I've never been part of a longer or more meaningfull standing ovation in my entire life.
When we heard that Ellen had weeks left, two thoughts struck my mind: 1. I was a freshman at GC in chapel. She was speaking. She joked about how she and God had conversations every so often about her life-how she wanted to be there for her children's weddings and how her next conversation with God was going to be about grandchildren. 2. There would be no more Octobers for Ellen Mannoia.
Why had I thought this? Was it because the mere thought of having weeks to live was so impacting? Or was it because, as anyone who lives in Greenville knows, fall on campus and around town rivals any other beautiful place in the world. For a few short weeks, gold and orange and red hang in the air against the brick buildings and outside classroom windows and literally blankets campus. I looked forward to every morning I got up during fall this past year and walked from College Avenue to chapel. That is truly the best walk: trees lining the street, the GC sign, Hogue Hall in the background....and Joy house.
Ellen Mannoia was always subtlely a part of students' lives as she added to the beauty of Greenville College. I will remember her most in the fall this year, when the beauty outside contains a twinge of pain because it is so breathtaking.
Being a student at GC for the last three years meant that Ellen updates had become a part of life. For a while she'd be doing good and would show up in chapel, or we'd hear about how they were doing on their sabatacle in Italy. She was always at graduation sitting in the exact same chair-I know because I observed her from the band for three years, including this year when she couldn't stand when she was recognized, so we stood for her. They announced that College Avenue-the building that I lived in this past year-was to be renamed after her. I've never been part of a longer or more meaningfull standing ovation in my entire life.
When we heard that Ellen had weeks left, two thoughts struck my mind: 1. I was a freshman at GC in chapel. She was speaking. She joked about how she and God had conversations every so often about her life-how she wanted to be there for her children's weddings and how her next conversation with God was going to be about grandchildren. 2. There would be no more Octobers for Ellen Mannoia.
Why had I thought this? Was it because the mere thought of having weeks to live was so impacting? Or was it because, as anyone who lives in Greenville knows, fall on campus and around town rivals any other beautiful place in the world. For a few short weeks, gold and orange and red hang in the air against the brick buildings and outside classroom windows and literally blankets campus. I looked forward to every morning I got up during fall this past year and walked from College Avenue to chapel. That is truly the best walk: trees lining the street, the GC sign, Hogue Hall in the background....and Joy house.
Ellen Mannoia was always subtlely a part of students' lives as she added to the beauty of Greenville College. I will remember her most in the fall this year, when the beauty outside contains a twinge of pain because it is so breathtaking.
June 12, 2007
Hedged In: The Beginning of Renewal
I am undone. Like twine being untwisted string by string.
The reason I’m supposed to be home: a lot of undoing for stuff that happened this past school year. Why do I feel like I’m on holiday at my house? Why am I just spending hours upon hours journaling, reading, praying? At the beginning of the summer I was determined to figure out what I was supposed to do. Now I feel like I’m just swept up in what is supposed to be rest and relaxation.
Why did I feel, all semester, that I would put my effort into things and it would feel as if I was getting nowhere? I’m coming back to joy. I’ve tried happiness for a long time, but it never lasts.
I’m seeking forgiveness in a lot of areas.
I’m seeing that God’s timing really does exist. This hedging in process shows that He really does care.
Some of the undoing (people that I need forgiveness from, ways that I need to say I’m sorry) flows freely from my heart because it just happened this semester: ways that I was stubborn, hurtful words, not being there for certain people, not loving the people who loved me. Other parts of the undoing come from a long time ago—areas that I don’t want to look at, areas that I just want to forget.
What’s exciting is that I know, after being undone, that God will rebuild me—especially to be an SRC in the fall.
Thank You, Lord, for Your powerful forgiveness.
The reason I’m supposed to be home: a lot of undoing for stuff that happened this past school year. Why do I feel like I’m on holiday at my house? Why am I just spending hours upon hours journaling, reading, praying? At the beginning of the summer I was determined to figure out what I was supposed to do. Now I feel like I’m just swept up in what is supposed to be rest and relaxation.
Why did I feel, all semester, that I would put my effort into things and it would feel as if I was getting nowhere? I’m coming back to joy. I’ve tried happiness for a long time, but it never lasts.
I’m seeking forgiveness in a lot of areas.
I’m seeing that God’s timing really does exist. This hedging in process shows that He really does care.
Some of the undoing (people that I need forgiveness from, ways that I need to say I’m sorry) flows freely from my heart because it just happened this semester: ways that I was stubborn, hurtful words, not being there for certain people, not loving the people who loved me. Other parts of the undoing come from a long time ago—areas that I don’t want to look at, areas that I just want to forget.
What’s exciting is that I know, after being undone, that God will rebuild me—especially to be an SRC in the fall.
Thank You, Lord, for Your powerful forgiveness.
June 11, 2007
Welcome to My Little Country House
Did anyone see the cheesy movie The Holiday? Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet traded houses for a week. John Krasinski made an appearance.
Well, I feel like I’m on a holiday…in my own house. I’ve been spending a lot of time here and for some reason this has made me appreciate my house so much more. I started to notice all the little country knick knacks my mom has around and I started thinking how much I would really enjoy it if I just got to stay here for the week as a stranger.
I look out the window and the corn and beans are growing. The sun has been shining brightly for the last couple of days. I drank about five glasses of tea, wrote a letter, and went to the post office. Tonight, I have a movie date with myself, the great work that is the Lord of the Rings, and a pizza sub.
I officially love summer in the Midwest.
Well, I feel like I’m on a holiday…in my own house. I’ve been spending a lot of time here and for some reason this has made me appreciate my house so much more. I started to notice all the little country knick knacks my mom has around and I started thinking how much I would really enjoy it if I just got to stay here for the week as a stranger.
I look out the window and the corn and beans are growing. The sun has been shining brightly for the last couple of days. I drank about five glasses of tea, wrote a letter, and went to the post office. Tonight, I have a movie date with myself, the great work that is the Lord of the Rings, and a pizza sub.
I officially love summer in the Midwest.
June 10, 2007
Mini-Golf, Missy Sands, and The Mystery Caller
Last night was magical.
We mini-golfed while the sun set, the characterized fountains splashed around us, and the temperature brought out all the families with small children. It’s truly the summer.
Afterwards, Missy and I stood around in her apartment and talked about how, in six months time, Missy Sands is going to be a term that’s commonplace. Somewhere in the midst of looking at her in her apartment and realizing that, in a week’s time, I’m going to be standing next to her in a pink dress, I saw Missy for what she really was: a grown up. Never mind the fact that she has been engaged for a year and in a relationship for more than that. Never mind the fact that I’ve spent time with her and Matt together. It didn’t matter-she was still a single friend. She was still there to laugh at all of my stupid jokes, get all of the inside jokes, and understand when I talked to her about yet another boy. Yes, she’s been there since the first day of freshman year. Engaged, fiancé, wedding-none of those terms mattered.
And then I realized how different we were. She’s getting married-called to love Matt and to be a wife and to be one flesh. And I’m called to be in Tower, to be surrounded by girls in the apartment that I need to be around, and to be single.
Then the realization faded and she was just Missy again. No longer Missy Weatherby to me, but not yet Missy Sands.
In the middle of mini-golfing, I received a call on my cell phone from a private number. Without even thinking about it, I thought it was my brother. When I heard the male voice when I answered, I convinced myself it was him, calling because he was driving to Oklahoma and bored. Never mind that his cell phone would have registered on my caller id. I called Ryan after I got home and told him I was sorry that I couldn’t talk earlier….but he hadn’t called me.
The Phone Conversation:
Me: Hello?
Mystery Caller: Hey.
Me (in a happy to hear from you, but I’m doing something else voice): Hey, I’m mini-golfing right now!
MC: Oh really! With who?
Me (annoyed because I told Ryan about this earlier): The bride! Missy!
MC: Cool.
Me: Are you driving right now?
MC: Yes.
Me: Okay, well I’ll talk to you later.
MC: Ok
So my dad’s thinking that somebody tried to prank me. If so, I guess I got him! Especially the part at the end when I asked him if he was driving! I can only imagine how confused he was.
Are you the Mystery Caller?
We mini-golfed while the sun set, the characterized fountains splashed around us, and the temperature brought out all the families with small children. It’s truly the summer.
Afterwards, Missy and I stood around in her apartment and talked about how, in six months time, Missy Sands is going to be a term that’s commonplace. Somewhere in the midst of looking at her in her apartment and realizing that, in a week’s time, I’m going to be standing next to her in a pink dress, I saw Missy for what she really was: a grown up. Never mind the fact that she has been engaged for a year and in a relationship for more than that. Never mind the fact that I’ve spent time with her and Matt together. It didn’t matter-she was still a single friend. She was still there to laugh at all of my stupid jokes, get all of the inside jokes, and understand when I talked to her about yet another boy. Yes, she’s been there since the first day of freshman year. Engaged, fiancé, wedding-none of those terms mattered.
And then I realized how different we were. She’s getting married-called to love Matt and to be a wife and to be one flesh. And I’m called to be in Tower, to be surrounded by girls in the apartment that I need to be around, and to be single.
Then the realization faded and she was just Missy again. No longer Missy Weatherby to me, but not yet Missy Sands.
In the middle of mini-golfing, I received a call on my cell phone from a private number. Without even thinking about it, I thought it was my brother. When I heard the male voice when I answered, I convinced myself it was him, calling because he was driving to Oklahoma and bored. Never mind that his cell phone would have registered on my caller id. I called Ryan after I got home and told him I was sorry that I couldn’t talk earlier….but he hadn’t called me.
The Phone Conversation:
Me: Hello?
Mystery Caller: Hey.
Me (in a happy to hear from you, but I’m doing something else voice): Hey, I’m mini-golfing right now!
MC: Oh really! With who?
Me (annoyed because I told Ryan about this earlier): The bride! Missy!
MC: Cool.
Me: Are you driving right now?
MC: Yes.
Me: Okay, well I’ll talk to you later.
MC: Ok
So my dad’s thinking that somebody tried to prank me. If so, I guess I got him! Especially the part at the end when I asked him if he was driving! I can only imagine how confused he was.
Are you the Mystery Caller?
June 8, 2007
Giving My Thoughts to Shia
I’m always jealous of people who say things like their worst fear is dying alone or wasting their life. I feel like that’s legitimate.
There is only one thing I’ve been afraid of my entire life: storms, tornadoes, anything that can be conjured up out of the sky that has the ability to wipe out everything that I know.
When I was little I used to go in my parents’ room or make my brother come sleep in my room.
I prayed for a solid month after my freshman year of college that it would not storm on solo during Walkabout like it had the past year.
Last night, we were supposed to get this crazy storm and, without even thinking about it, I grabbed my pillow and slept downstairs.
Reasons Why I Can Justify My Fear:
-My grandparents’ house was struck by lightning and it burnt to the ground when I was four. I remember digging through the ashes and the only things that were left over were coins that had melted together.
-My aunt and uncle’s house was struck by lightning and it left a hole in their ceiling.
-The transformer outside of my house was struck by lightning one summer and it melted all of our electronic devices.
-All of these places are within a two mile radius each other. So that saying that lighting never strikes the same place twice-wrong. It’s been scientifically proven that certain places attract lightning, and I’m convinced that I’m living in one of them.
When I was little, I used to cry to the point of being irrational because I was scared. My mom would tell me to think about something else. You know, think happy thoughts. So I would try desperately to think of stuff that I had to do at school the next day instead of thinking about all of the necessary precautions I would have to go through if I were the only one to hear the tornado sirens. I eventually started to imagine myself somewhere else.
The other night my brother and I were talking about the meanings of crazy dreams. For instance, what does it mean when you dream about a rabid horse? Or aliens? Or blacktop? He was on this website that talked about the importance of our daydreams-that it was important to pay attention to what our thoughts wandered to in the middle of the day.
I’ve become quite good at imagining myself somewhere else. The point is always to stop freaking out so I can relax and fall asleep and not have to go downstairs because I’m afraid. Well, last night I was with Shia LeBeouf.
And you have to understand-I don’t know if I perfected it as a child-but when I imagine myself somewhere else, it occupies my mind so much that I forget what is going on around me. It’s horrible for class, my eyes glaze over and I become catatonic and I completely miss what happened in the last five minutes.
So I closed my eyes and the first thing that popped into my head was Shia. We were in California and he lived right across the street from me. I called him on my cell phone, told him my fear, and ran over to his house in the rain. We sat on his couch and talked as it rained outside.
Let me just point out that it had never started raining outside in real life. I’m always anticipating so as to never be caught by surprise.
I ended up going downstairs and sleeping. Shia was not enough.
Right before I went to sleep, I thought about two things:
1. I was inside a house in a basement. Much better than being under a plastic tarp in the Smokey Mountains.
2. If there really was a tornado, I wouldn’t want Shia to come, I’d want God to. Then a thought popped into my head of someone reaching out to take my hand, and I was comforted.
I woke up this morning and my devotional was about “The God Who Calms Fears.”
I’m rereading Winner’s Girl Meets God and the part I read today talked about Winner giving up reading for Lent. Reading is her life. So she gives it up for 40 days in effort to give God something that means the world to her. She realized that she doesn’t just read for pleasure, but for escape. Lent reminds her, then, that she can’t just take her fears, sadness, and mistakes to the Mitford series, she has to take them to God.
It’s a simple truth, right? Cast your cares and fears upon the Lord?
There is only one thing I’ve been afraid of my entire life: storms, tornadoes, anything that can be conjured up out of the sky that has the ability to wipe out everything that I know.
When I was little I used to go in my parents’ room or make my brother come sleep in my room.
I prayed for a solid month after my freshman year of college that it would not storm on solo during Walkabout like it had the past year.
Last night, we were supposed to get this crazy storm and, without even thinking about it, I grabbed my pillow and slept downstairs.
Reasons Why I Can Justify My Fear:
-My grandparents’ house was struck by lightning and it burnt to the ground when I was four. I remember digging through the ashes and the only things that were left over were coins that had melted together.
-My aunt and uncle’s house was struck by lightning and it left a hole in their ceiling.
-The transformer outside of my house was struck by lightning one summer and it melted all of our electronic devices.
-All of these places are within a two mile radius each other. So that saying that lighting never strikes the same place twice-wrong. It’s been scientifically proven that certain places attract lightning, and I’m convinced that I’m living in one of them.
When I was little, I used to cry to the point of being irrational because I was scared. My mom would tell me to think about something else. You know, think happy thoughts. So I would try desperately to think of stuff that I had to do at school the next day instead of thinking about all of the necessary precautions I would have to go through if I were the only one to hear the tornado sirens. I eventually started to imagine myself somewhere else.
The other night my brother and I were talking about the meanings of crazy dreams. For instance, what does it mean when you dream about a rabid horse? Or aliens? Or blacktop? He was on this website that talked about the importance of our daydreams-that it was important to pay attention to what our thoughts wandered to in the middle of the day.
I’ve become quite good at imagining myself somewhere else. The point is always to stop freaking out so I can relax and fall asleep and not have to go downstairs because I’m afraid. Well, last night I was with Shia LeBeouf.
And you have to understand-I don’t know if I perfected it as a child-but when I imagine myself somewhere else, it occupies my mind so much that I forget what is going on around me. It’s horrible for class, my eyes glaze over and I become catatonic and I completely miss what happened in the last five minutes.
So I closed my eyes and the first thing that popped into my head was Shia. We were in California and he lived right across the street from me. I called him on my cell phone, told him my fear, and ran over to his house in the rain. We sat on his couch and talked as it rained outside.
Let me just point out that it had never started raining outside in real life. I’m always anticipating so as to never be caught by surprise.
I ended up going downstairs and sleeping. Shia was not enough.
Right before I went to sleep, I thought about two things:
1. I was inside a house in a basement. Much better than being under a plastic tarp in the Smokey Mountains.
2. If there really was a tornado, I wouldn’t want Shia to come, I’d want God to. Then a thought popped into my head of someone reaching out to take my hand, and I was comforted.
I woke up this morning and my devotional was about “The God Who Calms Fears.”
I’m rereading Winner’s Girl Meets God and the part I read today talked about Winner giving up reading for Lent. Reading is her life. So she gives it up for 40 days in effort to give God something that means the world to her. She realized that she doesn’t just read for pleasure, but for escape. Lent reminds her, then, that she can’t just take her fears, sadness, and mistakes to the Mitford series, she has to take them to God.
It’s a simple truth, right? Cast your cares and fears upon the Lord?
June 6, 2007
Hedged In
This sentence from the end of the Winner book I just read is haunting me. She was talking about a man struggling with premarital sex and the fact that he thought he was ‘damaged goods’ because he kept struggling with it. Winner put a new paradigm around his struggle and said that he was just trying to be a faithful Christian; in other words: don’t give up because you aren’t perfect in an area, keep struggling to find balance even though you’re struggling with something negative—as most struggles are.
I’ve become okay with certain things that I struggle with instead of being the Restorative freak that I am and jumping on any chance to reconstruct an area of my life. This is why, when I was journaling the other day with sleep in my eyes and my feet getting cold from being out of the blankets on my bed, it was so important when this thought entered my head-I started thinking about the book of Hosea and how God ‘hedged in’ the woman Israel and told her that He would renew her and that the Valley of Achor (trouble) would become the Door of Hope. (This is why I want to be faithful to scripture-so God can bring it to my memory because there actually IS a memory.)
Certain thought processes, like this one, mean God. I just know that they are. And this certain one meant everything from renewal to it being okay that I was just in my house for the summer reading and journaling and praying because God was ‘hedging me in.’ He has me where He wants me and I can trust that it’s good.
Reading Winner also makes me want to run back to Greenville in hopes of lots of syllabi that tell me to buy wonderful books concerning theology and religion, much akin to the book lists received with the Hogwarts end of summer letter. I remember when I found my place at Greenville by becoming an English major. I would jog up the stairs of Hogue hall, turn right on the second floor and immediately see the Platform 9 and ¾ sign above Dr. Martin’s door on the left side of the hall. I knew I was in the right place. Old books sitting out in boxes because the book cases inside of the offices simply could not hold anymore books and professors just resorted to giving them away to the avid readers. I remember sitting in classes with people that loved books-people who, just like me, read the most in their high school classes and dreamed of being English teachers just like the ones they had that inspired them so much.
As much as I loved fitting so well in my English major for two years, I never dreamed I would find my home on the right side of the hall of second Hogue: the Religion department. Pretty much the English department with a specific focus. I can’t wait to learn about the evolution of worship with Brian Hartley, or the History of Judaism with Christina Smerick. These people are the combination of the loves of reading, researching, seeking answers and coming to conclusions: the successful marriage between English and Religion, the essence of Emily Bishop.
If Lauren F. Winner was a professor at Greenville, her office would be on the second floor. Whether it would be on the left or right side would be a matter of opinion. Her talent for writing would place her on the left, her subject matter would place her on the right.
I want to be her.
Winner also has the gift of showing how God has moved in her life without actually saying that He has. For me, I know that I found God when I get up for class at ten thirty in the morning and listened to Hartley talk about the Pauline Epistles. I found God when Smerick was talking about faith and Kierkegaard. And what was great about this was that it was a process. Now I can look back and see what it all meant at the time and what it means for now.
So it’s okay, that right at this moment, I have no idea about a lot of stuff: this summer, next year as an SRC (when my thought process just leads to-holy mother, what am I getting myself into?), AFTER COLLEGE (gasp). Because God’s more of a big picture, process, journey type omniscient being. And He’s always faithful to be found when I open those religion books, or my journal, or when I talk to any of my close friends.
Faithful is a good word for Him.
I’ve become okay with certain things that I struggle with instead of being the Restorative freak that I am and jumping on any chance to reconstruct an area of my life. This is why, when I was journaling the other day with sleep in my eyes and my feet getting cold from being out of the blankets on my bed, it was so important when this thought entered my head-I started thinking about the book of Hosea and how God ‘hedged in’ the woman Israel and told her that He would renew her and that the Valley of Achor (trouble) would become the Door of Hope. (This is why I want to be faithful to scripture-so God can bring it to my memory because there actually IS a memory.)
Certain thought processes, like this one, mean God. I just know that they are. And this certain one meant everything from renewal to it being okay that I was just in my house for the summer reading and journaling and praying because God was ‘hedging me in.’ He has me where He wants me and I can trust that it’s good.
Reading Winner also makes me want to run back to Greenville in hopes of lots of syllabi that tell me to buy wonderful books concerning theology and religion, much akin to the book lists received with the Hogwarts end of summer letter. I remember when I found my place at Greenville by becoming an English major. I would jog up the stairs of Hogue hall, turn right on the second floor and immediately see the Platform 9 and ¾ sign above Dr. Martin’s door on the left side of the hall. I knew I was in the right place. Old books sitting out in boxes because the book cases inside of the offices simply could not hold anymore books and professors just resorted to giving them away to the avid readers. I remember sitting in classes with people that loved books-people who, just like me, read the most in their high school classes and dreamed of being English teachers just like the ones they had that inspired them so much.
As much as I loved fitting so well in my English major for two years, I never dreamed I would find my home on the right side of the hall of second Hogue: the Religion department. Pretty much the English department with a specific focus. I can’t wait to learn about the evolution of worship with Brian Hartley, or the History of Judaism with Christina Smerick. These people are the combination of the loves of reading, researching, seeking answers and coming to conclusions: the successful marriage between English and Religion, the essence of Emily Bishop.
If Lauren F. Winner was a professor at Greenville, her office would be on the second floor. Whether it would be on the left or right side would be a matter of opinion. Her talent for writing would place her on the left, her subject matter would place her on the right.
I want to be her.
Winner also has the gift of showing how God has moved in her life without actually saying that He has. For me, I know that I found God when I get up for class at ten thirty in the morning and listened to Hartley talk about the Pauline Epistles. I found God when Smerick was talking about faith and Kierkegaard. And what was great about this was that it was a process. Now I can look back and see what it all meant at the time and what it means for now.
So it’s okay, that right at this moment, I have no idea about a lot of stuff: this summer, next year as an SRC (when my thought process just leads to-holy mother, what am I getting myself into?), AFTER COLLEGE (gasp). Because God’s more of a big picture, process, journey type omniscient being. And He’s always faithful to be found when I open those religion books, or my journal, or when I talk to any of my close friends.
Faithful is a good word for Him.
June 3, 2007
Real Sex by Lauren F. Winner
I didn’t think I would get into this book as much as I did with Girl Meets God simply because GMG was so good, but as I kept reading I was pleasantly surprised. The subtitle to this book is ‘the naked truth about chastity.’ Winner uses the book as a platform to talk about the role of the Body of Christ in the area of sex, marriage, and singleness. She also uses a great portion of the book to discuss the view of our individual physical bodies. I really took a lot away from it.
Some favorite quotes: (Concerning the idea of couples being exclusive even in marriage): “The history of dance, Berry says, is illustrative: in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, “the old ring dances, in which all couples danced together,” were gradually replaced by “social ballroom dancing, in which each couple dances alone.” For many people today, of course, social ballroom dancing is a thing of the past. It has been replaced by the rave, in which a crowd of people dance not so much as a community, but as a group of individuals, boogying in the same room, alone.”
(Concerning the lie that sex always has to be exciting): “Our task is not to cultivate moments when eros can whisk us away from our ordinary routines, but rather to love each other as eros becomes embedded in, and transformed by, the daily warp and woof of married life. For in household sexuality, we see the ways of our daily human struggles offer the only language we have to call ourselves to God’s grace.”
“What fasting is slowly teaching me is the simple lesson that I am not utterly subject to my bodily desires.”
“Perhaps we ought not fixate on the call of lifelong singleness. Some people, of course, are called to lifelong singleness, but more of us are called to singleness for a spell, if even a very long spell. Often, our task is to discern a call to singleness for right now, and that’s not so difficult. If you are single right now, you are called, right now, to be single-called to live single life as robustly, and gospel-conformingly, as you possibly can.”
“Singleness tells us, for starters, of a radical dependence on God. In marriage, it is tempting to look to one’s spouse to meet all one’s needs. But those who live alone, without the companionship and rigor of marriage and sex, are offered an opportunity to realize that it is God who sustains them.”
“Too often, the church seems to suggest that sexual sin cannot be forgiven. Martin has every reason to wonder if he should bother with sexual discipline. We hear from the pulpit and read in the pages of magazines and books that “sexual sin doesn’t ever go away totally. They live on, like ghosts, in all future relationships, and can do real damage there.” We learn that premarital sex “can scar a marriage for a lifetime.” We read that if we have premarital sex, then, come our wedding day, the specters of the other men or women we slept with will hover around our betrothed.” This language of scars and ghosts that sexual sin is wholly different from any other sort of sin. That its consequences last forever. That somehow, Jesus’ saving work on the cross does not cover this. All of those suggestions, of course, are patently false.”
I especially identify with the last one. I think any kid that has gone to youth group or read a book on sex or done that experiment where you chew up Doritos and spit it into water and mix the water with other kids’ cups have a distorted view on sexual sin. Winner talks about the last experiment in her book and it is quite comical.
This is not to say that you should go out and have sex. Read the book and find out what Winner has to say : ).
Today I was driving home from Greenville and the sun was shining, there were white puffy clouds in the sky, and everything was green. My radio landed on a hit country station (where I may or may not have known all of the lyrics) and for a brief moment in hillsboro I was behind a normal looking guy on a harley (not the harley type) with his daughter riding behind him on the bike. She was probably eight, had a harley do-rag and pink crocks. It made my heart smile.
Some favorite quotes: (Concerning the idea of couples being exclusive even in marriage): “The history of dance, Berry says, is illustrative: in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, “the old ring dances, in which all couples danced together,” were gradually replaced by “social ballroom dancing, in which each couple dances alone.” For many people today, of course, social ballroom dancing is a thing of the past. It has been replaced by the rave, in which a crowd of people dance not so much as a community, but as a group of individuals, boogying in the same room, alone.”
(Concerning the lie that sex always has to be exciting): “Our task is not to cultivate moments when eros can whisk us away from our ordinary routines, but rather to love each other as eros becomes embedded in, and transformed by, the daily warp and woof of married life. For in household sexuality, we see the ways of our daily human struggles offer the only language we have to call ourselves to God’s grace.”
“What fasting is slowly teaching me is the simple lesson that I am not utterly subject to my bodily desires.”
“Perhaps we ought not fixate on the call of lifelong singleness. Some people, of course, are called to lifelong singleness, but more of us are called to singleness for a spell, if even a very long spell. Often, our task is to discern a call to singleness for right now, and that’s not so difficult. If you are single right now, you are called, right now, to be single-called to live single life as robustly, and gospel-conformingly, as you possibly can.”
“Singleness tells us, for starters, of a radical dependence on God. In marriage, it is tempting to look to one’s spouse to meet all one’s needs. But those who live alone, without the companionship and rigor of marriage and sex, are offered an opportunity to realize that it is God who sustains them.”
“Too often, the church seems to suggest that sexual sin cannot be forgiven. Martin has every reason to wonder if he should bother with sexual discipline. We hear from the pulpit and read in the pages of magazines and books that “sexual sin doesn’t ever go away totally. They live on, like ghosts, in all future relationships, and can do real damage there.” We learn that premarital sex “can scar a marriage for a lifetime.” We read that if we have premarital sex, then, come our wedding day, the specters of the other men or women we slept with will hover around our betrothed.” This language of scars and ghosts that sexual sin is wholly different from any other sort of sin. That its consequences last forever. That somehow, Jesus’ saving work on the cross does not cover this. All of those suggestions, of course, are patently false.”
I especially identify with the last one. I think any kid that has gone to youth group or read a book on sex or done that experiment where you chew up Doritos and spit it into water and mix the water with other kids’ cups have a distorted view on sexual sin. Winner talks about the last experiment in her book and it is quite comical.
This is not to say that you should go out and have sex. Read the book and find out what Winner has to say : ).
Today I was driving home from Greenville and the sun was shining, there were white puffy clouds in the sky, and everything was green. My radio landed on a hit country station (where I may or may not have known all of the lyrics) and for a brief moment in hillsboro I was behind a normal looking guy on a harley (not the harley type) with his daughter riding behind him on the bike. She was probably eight, had a harley do-rag and pink crocks. It made my heart smile.
June 1, 2007
Until July Then...
I'm pretty sure that Snape is still on Dumbledore's side. But maybe this is because throughout all of these books I have lived vicariously through Harry and, thus, have this unyielding assumption that whatever Dumbledore says is the truth. Even when Snape performed the Avada Kedavra I was shaking my head no, as in 'nope, not happening,' as in 'this is not correct.' My heart feels as thought he is still on the right side. I know Dumbledore's made mistakes, but not of epic proportions.
Speaking of mistakes, after I finished the sixth book and felt a little sad as I closed it, I went into Ryan's room to talk about what just happened. I exclaimed that Dumbledore was dead and we talked about what we thought was going to happen in book number seven. I told him that the only thing that could happen is that Voldemort will be blown into smitherines by Harry, the sun will rise on the new day symbolically dawning in the wizarding world, and Harry will be basking in it's sunlight as he kisses Ginny Weasley. Ryan, of course, always being the fan of taking the oposing side, shrugged his shoulders and says, "Harry's going to end up with Hermione."
Ok, he could have said, "Harry's going to die."
But no.
He said that Harry is going to end up with Hermione. He followed that by stating that Rowling wants us to think all along that this is not possible, but then, oh so carefully will she spin this yarn in front of our eyes and Harry and Hermione will be kissing at the end. I pointed out that Rowling hints at things. Ryan replies with, "But has she hinted about it?"
Nope. Point blank. It's Ginny Weasley. End of story. At least in my opinion. : )
But all of this is an interesting look into stereotyping people in relationships. Even though Ryan weirdly wants Harry and Hermione together, which I think is a personal preference for heroic man and smart girl to end up together (which I think is really Ryan's hope that he himself ends up with smart girl, even though he keeps falling for the equivelents of Cho and Lavender Brown, but that's just my opinion as well)....the other way around is so much more understandable. Ron and Hermione. Smart girl with jock type guy. It's classic. It seems weird that they like each other, but then you understand why. They both like the differences. They find each other attractive. Harry and Hermione have too much a chance of being good friends because they rely on each other so much. Ron and Hermione would rather be crossed in love, fighting, and wondering what the other is doing because they are giving attention to and getting attention from the other person.
I've seen it in my own life. I'm a big jock fan. Which is my attempt at admitting, with a sigh, that yes, I am Hermione. It is resolved. When I saw the whole Hermione Ron thing it was clear. And then when she said the sorting hat was going to put her in Ravenclaw, she's a prefect, she spends too much time in the library and homework is too easy for her....plus let me just mention that when she took McLaggen to Slughorn's Christmas party to make Ron jealous, I laughed for about five minutes. True brains being used in the wrong way. I'm pretty sure we would have a lot of the same strengths...including strategic and focus haha.
Ok, enough fan fiction like things....I love the idea of the Horcruxes. So good, J.K., so good. It makes so much sense that Voldemort would have to split his soul up. And I love that Harry is fighting him by getting to know the human side of him through all of the memories that Dumbledore provided.
Other than that I was completely taken back to eighth grade/freshmen year of high school when Rowling kept describing the 'animal in Harry's stomach' as the thing that was happy or frustrated when he saw or thought about Ginny in general. So great.
I also liked Dumbledore's talk with Harry about still making his own decisions even though the prophecy had been given.
I also think that Malfoy is redeemable.
But my sentences are getting short, and with that I will leave you for the evening.
Good night.
Speaking of mistakes, after I finished the sixth book and felt a little sad as I closed it, I went into Ryan's room to talk about what just happened. I exclaimed that Dumbledore was dead and we talked about what we thought was going to happen in book number seven. I told him that the only thing that could happen is that Voldemort will be blown into smitherines by Harry, the sun will rise on the new day symbolically dawning in the wizarding world, and Harry will be basking in it's sunlight as he kisses Ginny Weasley. Ryan, of course, always being the fan of taking the oposing side, shrugged his shoulders and says, "Harry's going to end up with Hermione."
Ok, he could have said, "Harry's going to die."
But no.
He said that Harry is going to end up with Hermione. He followed that by stating that Rowling wants us to think all along that this is not possible, but then, oh so carefully will she spin this yarn in front of our eyes and Harry and Hermione will be kissing at the end. I pointed out that Rowling hints at things. Ryan replies with, "But has she hinted about it?"
Nope. Point blank. It's Ginny Weasley. End of story. At least in my opinion. : )
But all of this is an interesting look into stereotyping people in relationships. Even though Ryan weirdly wants Harry and Hermione together, which I think is a personal preference for heroic man and smart girl to end up together (which I think is really Ryan's hope that he himself ends up with smart girl, even though he keeps falling for the equivelents of Cho and Lavender Brown, but that's just my opinion as well)....the other way around is so much more understandable. Ron and Hermione. Smart girl with jock type guy. It's classic. It seems weird that they like each other, but then you understand why. They both like the differences. They find each other attractive. Harry and Hermione have too much a chance of being good friends because they rely on each other so much. Ron and Hermione would rather be crossed in love, fighting, and wondering what the other is doing because they are giving attention to and getting attention from the other person.
I've seen it in my own life. I'm a big jock fan. Which is my attempt at admitting, with a sigh, that yes, I am Hermione. It is resolved. When I saw the whole Hermione Ron thing it was clear. And then when she said the sorting hat was going to put her in Ravenclaw, she's a prefect, she spends too much time in the library and homework is too easy for her....plus let me just mention that when she took McLaggen to Slughorn's Christmas party to make Ron jealous, I laughed for about five minutes. True brains being used in the wrong way. I'm pretty sure we would have a lot of the same strengths...including strategic and focus haha.
Ok, enough fan fiction like things....I love the idea of the Horcruxes. So good, J.K., so good. It makes so much sense that Voldemort would have to split his soul up. And I love that Harry is fighting him by getting to know the human side of him through all of the memories that Dumbledore provided.
Other than that I was completely taken back to eighth grade/freshmen year of high school when Rowling kept describing the 'animal in Harry's stomach' as the thing that was happy or frustrated when he saw or thought about Ginny in general. So great.
I also liked Dumbledore's talk with Harry about still making his own decisions even though the prophecy had been given.
I also think that Malfoy is redeemable.
But my sentences are getting short, and with that I will leave you for the evening.
Good night.
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